life thus far

24. the number of hours in a day. the number of seats in the philippine senate. the title of one of my favorite tv shows. michael jordan's number + 1. kobe bryant's new number (though i am certainly NO FAN of kobe bryant. he has the ego of a michael jordan, but none of the leadership skills to show for it. AND he has to thank shaq for his championship rings). and today, the 4th of october, also happens to be the day i'll turn 24.

with birthdays come the expected rituals of celebration. friends have been holding a countdown the last few days, anticipating a night out over the next weekend with everything on me, maybe with a couple of drinks (birthdays being a good excuse to get drunk). officemates will probably expect a little something too (actually no... not a little...). then the usual dinner out with family.

but birthdays for me have always been marked by anxiety. i usually await their coming with dread. aside from the demands on the pocket (which is painful enough by itself, really), there is also all the unwanted attention. i consider myself a shy person. i am uncomfortable being in groups of people numbering 2 and above, the feeling not unlike what a dressed chicken would feel inside an oven. and when everybody's attention is on ME, it's like turning the oven's temperature on high heat. the result: toasted kenneth. not very appetizing, no?

with all the discomfort i'm getting, me wonders if it's all worth celebrating. so time to look back to the year that's passed and ask the question: how has life been so far?

[pause a few moments for thinking]

it's been fine, i guess. not what i would consider fabulous, just plain fine.

i've got a job that actually pays ok, for my age. although it COULD be bigger, if i had the balls to actually look for work somewhere else and then demand a higher salary. this tried and tested technique has already been employed by several colleagues of mine, with great results. but the fact that i DO have a job is something i should be thankful for, if i think about the Philippine's unemployment rate.

the weird thing about my job is that it cycles through 2 phases, either of extreme boredom (enough to make me think of resigning) or of extreme frustration (also enough to make me think of resigning). i'm currently in the boring phase. i can sleep through the whole day and not miss anything. but when it starts shifting to the extreme frustration phase, the resulting headaches are enough to make me want to jump off from the top floor of our building. fortunately, none of those episodes have actually made me jump off the building (not yet at least), which leaves me here alive to inflict my ramblings upon you my loyal readers. and ironically, both phases have not yet made me resign.

that said, i've lost my passion for the job. i just see it as something to occupy my time and scratch a living from. i used to love it before. i loved the sense of being part of a team setting out on some great project. i loved the challenge of it. i loved the sense of pride and accomplishment upon seeing my efforts bear fruit, and then saying to myself, it is good. but for every passing second i spend in my cubicle, all that passion is slowly trickling down the dustbin. i am burning myself out.

and i seem to have reached this point where i no longer have the opportunity to screw up. it's like everything i'm doing right now is make or break. and the thing is, i have not even figured out yet what to do with my life (or what's left of it). I AM STUMPED. next thing i know, i'm already 30 and i STILL don't know what to do... assuming that i reach that age.

evident in the last paragraph, i also have this feeling that i'm not going to live very long. no, i'm not dying. and no karen, i do NOT have a deathwish. but basing on the number trips i've had to the hospital recently, i'm not what you would call healthy either. from what i've been through, all i can say is there are things that just lay beyond our control. yeah, we'd all like to tell ourselves that our destiny is in our hands, but let's face it. we can't control everything. i am not God. and neither are you. it reminds me of the late cebu city councilor and dermatologist, dr. fe mantua-ruiz, who died a couple of months ago, i think. according to the papers, she lived a healthy lifestyle. she exercised everyday. she didn't smoke. but what did she die of? lung cancer. the universe has a really weird sense of humor.

on other matters, i do not yet have as of now a "love life". which is not necessarily a bad thing, considering the hell i've seen some people go through. better not bother myself with that yet.

much to my annoyance, my mom's friends have all been telling me that i should be getting married already, and then have lots of children. me? married? hmmm... i see their sons and daughters (who are also around my age), getting married pretty early, carrying their little babies with them when i see them in church, and slaving away at their jobs to buy milk and diapers. i sure don't find them particularly happy. no... i think i'll stay single for a while longer. i'm still enjoying life as a 24 year old kid.

the conclusion? life's really not that bad. but it's not exactly good either. it could be worse, thought that's not something i can be happy about.

happy birthday to me.