how outsourcing ruined christmas

Location, the North Pole, at the gates of Santa Claus's toy factory. It is just 2 days before Christmas eve, and factory production is way behind schedule. A huge mass of elves are gathered at the gates, angrily chanting slogans and waving placards. Heavily armed elf guards are blocking the gate entrance.

A reporter in a huge overcoat with her cameraman approaches the elf who seems to be one of the strike leaders, a fat little elf with a long beard, who kept on chanting "NO TO OUTSOURCING! DOWN WITH SANTA!". He proceeds to give the elf an interview.

Reporter:
Good morning mister elf, this is Korina Enriquez of XYZ news. We would like to ask some questions. Is it true that you, Santa's elves, are on strike?

Elf Strike Leader:
Yes, we are on strike. (Reporter gasps...) You heard me right. We elves are on [expletive deleted] strike. That [expletive deleted] crazy old man in the red suit wants to retrench us all and transfer all toy manufacturing operations to [expletive deleted] China. He says it's because it's [expletive deleted] cheaper. He's already started with the elves answering Santa's mails. He got them all fired and hired a [expletive deleted] call center in the Philippines to do the job. He says its cheaper and more efficient! But what about elvish welfare! That's a violation of the labor code!!!

Reporter:
But won't the strike ruin Christmas for all the children of the world? It's just 2 days before Christmas eve and production levels are way below the demanded volume of toys...

Elf Strike Leader:
Christmas?! Christmas?! [expletive deleted] Christmas!!! You ask us about Christmas when we are about to lose our only source of livelihood! That ungrateful Santa Claus! Without our help there would have been no [expletive deleted] Christmas!!! Without us there is no [expletive deleted] Santa Claus! No, we are Santa Claus!!

Reporter:
But won't you be negotiating with top management to settle things?

Elf Strike Leader:
Negotiate!? You want us to [expletive deleted] negotiate?! We shall only go back to work once we are assured of our jobs!

Suddenly, the factory gates open. A gaggle of elves dressed in coat and tie carrying black brief cases come out, surrounded by heavily armed guards. One of them approaches the elf strike leader and announces negotiations.

Santa's Negotiator:
We are here representing Santa Claus and top management. Santa agrees, in principle, that without you elves, his operations would have gone nowhere. And because of this, he is grateful, and wishes that you all come back to work. So in accordance with the Christmas spirit here is top management's generous offer. We will be giving you all one million dollars and stock options in Christmas Inc. as separation pay upon retrenchment.

Elf Strike Leader:
One million dollars!? One million [expletive deleted] dollars!? Stock options!? You ingrates! We want our jobs! We won't take no one million dollars!

Santa's Negotiator:
I'm sorry sir, but that is what management has to offer. Take it or leave it.

Immediately chaos erupts. The whole mass of protesting elves start shouting "WE WANT OUR JOBS!" or "NO TO OUTSOURCING!" or "DOWN WITH SANTA!". Members of Santa's negotiating team make a hasty retreat to the factory.

Soon the whole mass of protesting elves charged on the gates of Santa's factory. The guards though were quick enough to get inside and lock the gates. The protesters started pushing on the gates, and then... the unthinkable happened.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Gunshots were fired. One guard fell, wounded. The guards then fired on the protesters. Chaos. With the fire in their veins kindled, the guards kept firing. And firing. And firing. One by one the protesting elves fell, staining the north pole's snow with crimson blood. And then an eerie silence.

Silently, the reporter and his cameraman captured everything, watching on the sidelines. And a blow by blow account of the incident was seen on the 6 o'clock news.

And that is how outsourcing ruined Christmas.


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Written for those who died in the massacre at Hacienda Luisita, and for all farmers still seeking for genuine land reform.

P.S. I am not against outsourcing. I just thought Santa Claus outsourcing his operations would be funny.