as a personal gift to myself for my 24th birthday, i bought an action figure of the teenage mutant ninja turtle leonardo. aside from his "Trusty katanas", leonardo also came with "New Sabers!", "New Straight Swords!", and "Ninja Throwing Stars!". and apart from the "New Warrior Weapons!", what made this leonardo cooler was it had "New Ninja Moves! Weapon Spinning Action!", meaning, if you squeeze his legs together, leonardo will start spinning his weapons to make them "Slice and Dice!". "These new moves rock!", leonardo says.
cooool. it's great to escape from the horrors of being "grown up" and go back to being a kid again, once in a while.
i used to have an action figure of that same leonardo eons ago, when i was a kid. of all the action figures i had, he was my favorite. for weapons, leonardo sr. had two katana swords, two ninja throwing stars, a club that looked like an armadillo, a pizza like thingy with blades jutting out of the edges, and a turtle shell that opens at the back where he can store his weapons. i no longer have him with me, owing to my carelessness as a kid.
my love affair with the turtles started when i was in 4th grade. typhoon ruping had just struck cebu, and we spent the next month or so living in the stone age, with neither electricity, light, or television. then when the electricity came back, like the bringers of light, so appeared the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
i remember being glued to the tv on friday nights waiting for each new episode of the turtles. i watched them in their struggle against shredder and the foot, and laughed at their weird and silly enemies like bebop (a mutant warthog) and rocksteady (a mutant rhino) and krang (a brainlike alien with a robot body). then after the turtles, an episode of the x-men came next on tv. i also loved the x-men (i still do), but for childish silliness, nothing beats the turtles.
at the end of the school year during 4th grade, our teachers allowed us kids to bring our toys along with us to school. i salivated at what my classmates brought with them. the ninja turtles! there was leonardo! and rafael and donatello and michaelangelo! i HAD to get one. i begged... no... i pestered my mother to buy me a toy. when that didn't work, i bribed her with my report card (my grades still looked great those days), so she gave in.
after a run of about two years or so on tv, the turtles disappeared. then i lost leonardo sr. and then came high school. the "REAL WORLD" was now upon me. i had to grow up. it was all downhill from there.
so now i struggle with the evils of work, paying the bills, and worrying about "THE FUTURE". work is fine, i can bear it. paying the bills is fine, i can swallow that. but the "THE FUTURE" scares me shitless.
there you are patiently slugging it out with the devils of "THE FUTURE". you seem to be winning. things seem to look good. and then WHAM! "THE FUTURE" gives you a powerful uppercut on the chin, and you are down on your butt on the canvass with the referee giving you the count. you are dazed. you are confused. but you have to get up. you just can't give up. you can't wimp out. it all seems so pointless, but you have no choice.
so you get up off your ass and slug it out again. and it goes on, and on. it's a cruel cycle.
can you blame me then, or anyone else for that matter, if i spend a few moments of my time dreaming that i was a kid again? if only life were as clean and simple as an episode of the turtles, where you KNOW the good guys always win against the bad guys at the end of this week's episode.
but life is not that way. and to grow up is to realize that life is not that way. you just have to swallow it if you are to survive. at times i despair over that fact. makes me want my innocence back.
in his poem "ode on a distant prospect of eton college", thomas grey lamented:
"yet ah! why should they know their fate?
since sorrow never comes too late
and happiness too swiftly flies
thought would destroy their paradise
no more; where ignorance is bliss
'tis folly to be wise."
ahh... the dillema, between sorrowful wisdom and ignorant bliss. but we cannot remain ignorant and innocent forever. either we open our eyes, or our eyes are forced open. but every once in a while, i close my eyes for a moment and pretend that i was kid again, that everything would be alright after this week's episode. then i open my eyes again, and, re-energized, i continue my struggle with "THE FUTURE".
bring it on...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
overheard at the mall
girl holding her celfone, to one of her girl companions, in that whiney kris aquino tone:
"jen, do you know how to pangita the signal?"
HOOOLY CRAP. what is happening to the world? and what kind of mutant language was THAT? how should we call it? bislish? or engsaya? call me whatever it is you want to call me, but the day everybody in cebu speaks like kris aquino is the day i pack my bags and leave for the mountains.
madness, i tell you...
"jen, do you know how to pangita the signal?"
HOOOLY CRAP. what is happening to the world? and what kind of mutant language was THAT? how should we call it? bislish? or engsaya? call me whatever it is you want to call me, but the day everybody in cebu speaks like kris aquino is the day i pack my bags and leave for the mountains.
madness, i tell you...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
life thus far
24. the number of hours in a day. the number of seats in the philippine senate. the title of one of my favorite tv shows. michael jordan's number + 1. kobe bryant's new number (though i am certainly NO FAN of kobe bryant. he has the ego of a michael jordan, but none of the leadership skills to show for it. AND he has to thank shaq for his championship rings). and today, the 4th of october, also happens to be the day i'll turn 24.
with birthdays come the expected rituals of celebration. friends have been holding a countdown the last few days, anticipating a night out over the next weekend with everything on me, maybe with a couple of drinks (birthdays being a good excuse to get drunk). officemates will probably expect a little something too (actually no... not a little...). then the usual dinner out with family.
but birthdays for me have always been marked by anxiety. i usually await their coming with dread. aside from the demands on the pocket (which is painful enough by itself, really), there is also all the unwanted attention. i consider myself a shy person. i am uncomfortable being in groups of people numbering 2 and above, the feeling not unlike what a dressed chicken would feel inside an oven. and when everybody's attention is on ME, it's like turning the oven's temperature on high heat. the result: toasted kenneth. not very appetizing, no?
with all the discomfort i'm getting, me wonders if it's all worth celebrating. so time to look back to the year that's passed and ask the question: how has life been so far?
[pause a few moments for thinking]
it's been fine, i guess. not what i would consider fabulous, just plain fine.
i've got a job that actually pays ok, for my age. although it COULD be bigger, if i had the balls to actually look for work somewhere else and then demand a higher salary. this tried and tested technique has already been employed by several colleagues of mine, with great results. but the fact that i DO have a job is something i should be thankful for, if i think about the Philippine's unemployment rate.
the weird thing about my job is that it cycles through 2 phases, either of extreme boredom (enough to make me think of resigning) or of extreme frustration (also enough to make me think of resigning). i'm currently in the boring phase. i can sleep through the whole day and not miss anything. but when it starts shifting to the extreme frustration phase, the resulting headaches are enough to make me want to jump off from the top floor of our building. fortunately, none of those episodes have actually made me jump off the building (not yet at least), which leaves me here alive to inflict my ramblings upon you my loyal readers. and ironically, both phases have not yet made me resign.
that said, i've lost my passion for the job. i just see it as something to occupy my time and scratch a living from. i used to love it before. i loved the sense of being part of a team setting out on some great project. i loved the challenge of it. i loved the sense of pride and accomplishment upon seeing my efforts bear fruit, and then saying to myself, it is good. but for every passing second i spend in my cubicle, all that passion is slowly trickling down the dustbin. i am burning myself out.
and i seem to have reached this point where i no longer have the opportunity to screw up. it's like everything i'm doing right now is make or break. and the thing is, i have not even figured out yet what to do with my life (or what's left of it). I AM STUMPED. next thing i know, i'm already 30 and i STILL don't know what to do... assuming that i reach that age.
evident in the last paragraph, i also have this feeling that i'm not going to live very long. no, i'm not dying. and no karen, i do NOT have a deathwish. but basing on the number trips i've had to the hospital recently, i'm not what you would call healthy either. from what i've been through, all i can say is there are things that just lay beyond our control. yeah, we'd all like to tell ourselves that our destiny is in our hands, but let's face it. we can't control everything. i am not God. and neither are you. it reminds me of the late cebu city councilor and dermatologist, dr. fe mantua-ruiz, who died a couple of months ago, i think. according to the papers, she lived a healthy lifestyle. she exercised everyday. she didn't smoke. but what did she die of? lung cancer. the universe has a really weird sense of humor.
on other matters, i do not yet have as of now a "love life". which is not necessarily a bad thing, considering the hell i've seen some people go through. better not bother myself with that yet.
much to my annoyance, my mom's friends have all been telling me that i should be getting married already, and then have lots of children. me? married? hmmm... i see their sons and daughters (who are also around my age), getting married pretty early, carrying their little babies with them when i see them in church, and slaving away at their jobs to buy milk and diapers. i sure don't find them particularly happy. no... i think i'll stay single for a while longer. i'm still enjoying life as a 24 year old kid.
the conclusion? life's really not that bad. but it's not exactly good either. it could be worse, thought that's not something i can be happy about.
happy birthday to me.
with birthdays come the expected rituals of celebration. friends have been holding a countdown the last few days, anticipating a night out over the next weekend with everything on me, maybe with a couple of drinks (birthdays being a good excuse to get drunk). officemates will probably expect a little something too (actually no... not a little...). then the usual dinner out with family.
but birthdays for me have always been marked by anxiety. i usually await their coming with dread. aside from the demands on the pocket (which is painful enough by itself, really), there is also all the unwanted attention. i consider myself a shy person. i am uncomfortable being in groups of people numbering 2 and above, the feeling not unlike what a dressed chicken would feel inside an oven. and when everybody's attention is on ME, it's like turning the oven's temperature on high heat. the result: toasted kenneth. not very appetizing, no?
with all the discomfort i'm getting, me wonders if it's all worth celebrating. so time to look back to the year that's passed and ask the question: how has life been so far?
[pause a few moments for thinking]
it's been fine, i guess. not what i would consider fabulous, just plain fine.
i've got a job that actually pays ok, for my age. although it COULD be bigger, if i had the balls to actually look for work somewhere else and then demand a higher salary. this tried and tested technique has already been employed by several colleagues of mine, with great results. but the fact that i DO have a job is something i should be thankful for, if i think about the Philippine's unemployment rate.
the weird thing about my job is that it cycles through 2 phases, either of extreme boredom (enough to make me think of resigning) or of extreme frustration (also enough to make me think of resigning). i'm currently in the boring phase. i can sleep through the whole day and not miss anything. but when it starts shifting to the extreme frustration phase, the resulting headaches are enough to make me want to jump off from the top floor of our building. fortunately, none of those episodes have actually made me jump off the building (not yet at least), which leaves me here alive to inflict my ramblings upon you my loyal readers. and ironically, both phases have not yet made me resign.
that said, i've lost my passion for the job. i just see it as something to occupy my time and scratch a living from. i used to love it before. i loved the sense of being part of a team setting out on some great project. i loved the challenge of it. i loved the sense of pride and accomplishment upon seeing my efforts bear fruit, and then saying to myself, it is good. but for every passing second i spend in my cubicle, all that passion is slowly trickling down the dustbin. i am burning myself out.
and i seem to have reached this point where i no longer have the opportunity to screw up. it's like everything i'm doing right now is make or break. and the thing is, i have not even figured out yet what to do with my life (or what's left of it). I AM STUMPED. next thing i know, i'm already 30 and i STILL don't know what to do... assuming that i reach that age.
evident in the last paragraph, i also have this feeling that i'm not going to live very long. no, i'm not dying. and no karen, i do NOT have a deathwish. but basing on the number trips i've had to the hospital recently, i'm not what you would call healthy either. from what i've been through, all i can say is there are things that just lay beyond our control. yeah, we'd all like to tell ourselves that our destiny is in our hands, but let's face it. we can't control everything. i am not God. and neither are you. it reminds me of the late cebu city councilor and dermatologist, dr. fe mantua-ruiz, who died a couple of months ago, i think. according to the papers, she lived a healthy lifestyle. she exercised everyday. she didn't smoke. but what did she die of? lung cancer. the universe has a really weird sense of humor.
on other matters, i do not yet have as of now a "love life". which is not necessarily a bad thing, considering the hell i've seen some people go through. better not bother myself with that yet.
much to my annoyance, my mom's friends have all been telling me that i should be getting married already, and then have lots of children. me? married? hmmm... i see their sons and daughters (who are also around my age), getting married pretty early, carrying their little babies with them when i see them in church, and slaving away at their jobs to buy milk and diapers. i sure don't find them particularly happy. no... i think i'll stay single for a while longer. i'm still enjoying life as a 24 year old kid.
the conclusion? life's really not that bad. but it's not exactly good either. it could be worse, thought that's not something i can be happy about.
happy birthday to me.
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