not a cheerful giver

a family friend sent me a text message friday evening. his pregnant wife's blood pressure had shot up to 150/110. the doctors thought it more risky if the delivery was natural, so she had to give birth by caesarian section. the procedure was a success, but they were desperately short on cash, and asked for help. i just had a nice dinner, and was about to enter ayala center cinema 2 when i received the message.

i didn't reply immediately. i finished the movie and went home, mulling it over on the way. i got to bed still without reaching a decision. when i woke up, it was already morning. i thought, if i was going to help, i should do it now. and if i was going to give, it had to be substantial enough to be of real help to them.

so i decided to help anyway, but not without agonizing over it. in his present situation, i couldn't really expect him to repay me. and the amount i had decided on wasn't really that big, but it was big enough to hurt.

i am not writing this to praise myself, but to ask. while mulling it over in the morning, i thought of this passage from the Good Book that says we should not give reluctantly or out of compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. had i been reluctant? oh yes, very much. and i was going to give out of pity, and guilt, both of which i think fall under 'compulsion'. and i don't feel particularly cheerful about it either. so will God not love me for doing it?

am i so bad?

we met up a few hours later. the baby is a boy. and i'm going to be the godfather. which makes me sound like a gangster.