stupid spartans: my review of the movie '300'

almost everyone has been giving their own 2 cents on the matter, so i'm jumping on the bandwagon and giving my own :)

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when you say 'spartan', the first thing that comes to my mind isn't the small brave band of greek warriors and their king valiantly defending a small mountain pass from an overwhelmingly huge persian army trying to invade greece. the first thing that i actually think about is 'tsinelas'. but of course, the movie 300 has nothing to do with footwear.

i went to cinema 1 of ayala center cebu expecting at least some amusement. but i didn't expect to get some before the movie started. while waiting for the movie to start, i had the funny misfortune of having budoy of pinoy big brother and junior kilat fame suddenly appearing and then sitting right *in front* of me. the towering structure on top of his head (which i presume to be his hair, if not a radio antenna or a bunch of snakes) partially blocked my view of the movie screen. i had to reposition myself a couple of times so i had an unobstructed view of the movie.

in a nutshell, the movie is basically a stylized storytelling of the battle of thermopylae (a.k.a. the "hot gates") based on the graphic novel by frank miller, where according to greek history, the spartan king leonidas led a small force of 300 men against an invading persian army numbering in the hundreds of thousands. like the previous movie based on miller's comic book sin city, the visuals of 300 adopted the look and feel of the comic book.

the movie actually reminded me of the lord of the rings. the persian emperor xerxes was leading an army of orcs, ogres, grenade throwing wizards, and even mumakil from the return of the king. the whole movie was essentially an extended lord of the rings battle scene. when the mumakil... i mean, elephants, came to attack the spartan positions, i half expected legolas to come out and slay the beasts. the movie was also accused of being racist (the bad guys were either black or arab looking, if not orcish). wait... wasn't lord of the rings accused of being racist also? hmmm...

i think most guys have the same favorite scene in the movie. c'mon people... don't be afraid to admit it... yes, *OUR* favorite scene was the dancing oracle---in semi nude. if only we had fortune tellers like *those* instead of strange old ladies like madam auring, then maybe we'd listen to them more.

xerxes the emperor (empress?) of persia was hilarious. i expected him (or her) to be more like sauron from lord of the rings, wearing thick iron armor, a big helmet showing eyes flaming red, and with a huge battle club in hand. but xerxes as a club fag? hahahaha... who would've thought of that?

and what's with the hunchback dude ephialtes? all it took for him to betray leonidas was neither gold nor glory, but a visit to the nearby strip club and a uniform (he tells xerxes, "i want a uniform!" ... huh?!). as my friend chick succinctly put it: "nadala ra sa pautog".

and poor queen gorgo. she had to sacrifice her ass (literally) to the evil politician dude theron ("this will not be over quickly. you will not enjoy this," he tells her) so she could get the chance to speak before the spartan council and convince them to send reinforcements and save her husband. yet it was all too late. but at least she had her revenge. he... uhh... "stabbed" her first, so she stabs him back, but this time with a *REAL* sword. now that's what i call justice.

unfortunately for leonidas, the movie portrays him and his 300 warriors as brave... and brainless. they were so brave (and brainless) they went into battle bare chested with no armor whatsoever (the unrestrained display of chiseled chests and six-pack abs served as an extremely effective form of advertising for fitness gyms the world over). they were so brave (and brainless) they went into battle with the odds of 300 to 100,000 X N where N > 1 (if you *really* want to know, you can research the value of N). and they were so brave (and brainless) they were actually *convinced* they could win (again the question... huh?!). apparently, spartan culture valued bravery over wisdom.

if stupidity is in the genes, it's a good thing leonidas and his 300 brainlessly brave warriors all died in thermopylae. we wouldn't any more of their DNA spreading in the human gene pool, or else the species homo sapiens would have been extinct by now...

..but judging by the way some of our own congressmen and cabinet members are doing, i guess they *DID* spread their DNA. we're doomed.