st. nikolay

prologue: an old man in a red coat stands by his window looking at the arctic landscape. "the arctic winters have gotten warmer", thought the old man. he was convinced that he could go out without his coat and not even get frostbite. "signs of the times", says the old man to himself, "signs of the times". a beep reaches his ears. "finally, the message i've been waiting for." the old man goes to his computer. click.

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to: secret agent nikolay code name santa claus, operation christmas headquarters, north pole

from: kgb high command, kgb central headquarters, the kremlin, moscow

TOP SECRET. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

we are now in the final stages of our plan for world domination. high command commends you, comrade nikolay, on the progress of your mission. the mind control devices you have planted in your toys are now being monitored by central headquarters. based on our satellite scans, your delivery method using reindeer powered sleigh has thus far proven effective, as the devices have already spread in all corners of the world. it has also successfully penetrated the specified strategic points, like the white house, UN headquarters, and the homes of other important world leaders. come christmas eve, we will activate these devices and turn the children of the world into zombies who will carry out our commands. this new zombie army will turn against their parents, who will be forced to submit to their children's wishes, and we will rule the world! bwahahahaha!

in line with our master plan, high command wishes to give you your new orders:

** on dec 24 at exactly 2255 hours GMT +12:00, we will commence with the final phase of operation christmas. you will form your reindeer delivery squad, and at exactly 2300 hours GMT +12:00 you will launch from your hidden base in the north pole and begin delivery of the toys planted with the trigerring module for the mind control devices already in place. you will begin delivering to the first timezone that will hit dec 25 (GMT +12:00) and after completion of delivery in that timezone you will continue on to succeeding timezones. as the planet turns in its axis, our satellites will position themselves on the timezone that will be hitting dec 25 and send a signal to the trigerring module, which in turn will activate the mind control device, and voila, instant world domination. while the world parties, it shall fall into our hands timezone by timezone. bwahahahaha!

** kgb spies in the cia have reported the presence of a double agent in your ranks, as american intelligence agents at langley seem to have recently caught on to our scheme. high command orders you to identify this spy and eliminate him immediately! initial investigation have so far placed our suspicions on the commander of your delivery squad, major rudolph, as his nose may possibly be used as a beacon for cia satellites to monitor your progress. our investigation also indicated that he may also have accomplices among the elves in your research and development team. you must root them out and teach them what it means to be on your "naughty" list.

** based on initial tests of our mind control devices, our philippine operations is facing some setbacks. filipino children are currently being brain washed by a tune used in the popular noontime show "wowowee". the tune's sequence goes: boom-ta-rat-ta-rat! boom-ta-rat-ta-rat! ta-ra-rat! ta-ra-rat! boom! boom! boom! this may sound quite benign when you first hear it, but our scientists have discovered that the said tune is interfering with the frequency we are using to control the children's brain waves. intelligence reports have pointed to an alias "willie revillame", who is known to be the mastermind behind "wowowee". the said noontime show has already begun systematic enslavement of whole sections of the philippine populace. even seemingly respectable old women are selling their dignity for a thousand pesos and a chance to be shown on national TV. you must understand, comrade nikolay, that alias "willie revillame" CANNOT be underestimated. our whole operation will fail if the cia discovers this flaw in our grand plan. alias "willie revillame" must be stopped!

** once we take over the world, we are going to need puppet administrators that will assist us in directing world affairs. recent news has pointed out a suitable source of candidates: philippine congressmen. it was discovered that their brains waves can easily be manipulated by simple illusions of money and power. thus, with this in mind, our scientists have designed a new mind control device especially for them. we will be sending you a list of candidates for delivery of the device, and you will implement delivery of this new device together with the trigerring module.

high command cannot over emphasize the fact: FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. the motherland has long awaited to take over the world and finally exact its revenge on america. if our plan succeeds, the americans will finally learn what it means to be enslaved. america will finally learn what it means to do the bidding of the world's new, and only, superpower! america will learn what it feels to have airplanes bomb their cities and tanks crash through their streets! america will learn what it feels to have foreign soldiers raping their own women! vengeance is sweet! bwahahahahaha!

and most importantly, remember this comrade nikolay: the motherland owes you deeply and will never forget you in your endeavors. if all goes well, as a reward we will change the meaning of christmas day. every year for the next thousand years, christmas day will no longer be about the child who was born in a manger, it will be to celebrate the exploits of st. nikolay a.k.a. santa claus! children of the next thousand generations will be singing praises to your name! images of you driving your reindeer powered sleigh or you climbing in chimneys to deliver your "gifts" will be placed in every room in every house in every nation in the whole wide world! in their eyes, you will be a god!

but of course, we communists don't believe in god. bwahahahaha!

long live the revolution!

KGB HIGH COMMAND

P.S. delete message after reading or your computer will explode in 5 seconds.

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epilogue: fortunately for the world (or unfortunately, which ever side of the fence you stand), st. nikolay had been negligent and never read the last sentence of the message from kgb high command. 5 seconds later, cia satellites detect a huge and powerful explosion in the north pole. operation christmas's secret base was destroyed. the explosion also killed major rudolph and his reindeer squad and all the elves. but st. nikolay's body was never found. kgb high command's plan was never carried out. the world is safe... for now. but is it really?