st. nikolay

prologue: an old man in a red coat stands by his window looking at the arctic landscape. "the arctic winters have gotten warmer", thought the old man. he was convinced that he could go out without his coat and not even get frostbite. "signs of the times", says the old man to himself, "signs of the times". a beep reaches his ears. "finally, the message i've been waiting for." the old man goes to his computer. click.

************************************

to: secret agent nikolay code name santa claus, operation christmas headquarters, north pole

from: kgb high command, kgb central headquarters, the kremlin, moscow

TOP SECRET. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

we are now in the final stages of our plan for world domination. high command commends you, comrade nikolay, on the progress of your mission. the mind control devices you have planted in your toys are now being monitored by central headquarters. based on our satellite scans, your delivery method using reindeer powered sleigh has thus far proven effective, as the devices have already spread in all corners of the world. it has also successfully penetrated the specified strategic points, like the white house, UN headquarters, and the homes of other important world leaders. come christmas eve, we will activate these devices and turn the children of the world into zombies who will carry out our commands. this new zombie army will turn against their parents, who will be forced to submit to their children's wishes, and we will rule the world! bwahahahaha!

in line with our master plan, high command wishes to give you your new orders:

** on dec 24 at exactly 2255 hours GMT +12:00, we will commence with the final phase of operation christmas. you will form your reindeer delivery squad, and at exactly 2300 hours GMT +12:00 you will launch from your hidden base in the north pole and begin delivery of the toys planted with the trigerring module for the mind control devices already in place. you will begin delivering to the first timezone that will hit dec 25 (GMT +12:00) and after completion of delivery in that timezone you will continue on to succeeding timezones. as the planet turns in its axis, our satellites will position themselves on the timezone that will be hitting dec 25 and send a signal to the trigerring module, which in turn will activate the mind control device, and voila, instant world domination. while the world parties, it shall fall into our hands timezone by timezone. bwahahahaha!

** kgb spies in the cia have reported the presence of a double agent in your ranks, as american intelligence agents at langley seem to have recently caught on to our scheme. high command orders you to identify this spy and eliminate him immediately! initial investigation have so far placed our suspicions on the commander of your delivery squad, major rudolph, as his nose may possibly be used as a beacon for cia satellites to monitor your progress. our investigation also indicated that he may also have accomplices among the elves in your research and development team. you must root them out and teach them what it means to be on your "naughty" list.

** based on initial tests of our mind control devices, our philippine operations is facing some setbacks. filipino children are currently being brain washed by a tune used in the popular noontime show "wowowee". the tune's sequence goes: boom-ta-rat-ta-rat! boom-ta-rat-ta-rat! ta-ra-rat! ta-ra-rat! boom! boom! boom! this may sound quite benign when you first hear it, but our scientists have discovered that the said tune is interfering with the frequency we are using to control the children's brain waves. intelligence reports have pointed to an alias "willie revillame", who is known to be the mastermind behind "wowowee". the said noontime show has already begun systematic enslavement of whole sections of the philippine populace. even seemingly respectable old women are selling their dignity for a thousand pesos and a chance to be shown on national TV. you must understand, comrade nikolay, that alias "willie revillame" CANNOT be underestimated. our whole operation will fail if the cia discovers this flaw in our grand plan. alias "willie revillame" must be stopped!

** once we take over the world, we are going to need puppet administrators that will assist us in directing world affairs. recent news has pointed out a suitable source of candidates: philippine congressmen. it was discovered that their brains waves can easily be manipulated by simple illusions of money and power. thus, with this in mind, our scientists have designed a new mind control device especially for them. we will be sending you a list of candidates for delivery of the device, and you will implement delivery of this new device together with the trigerring module.

high command cannot over emphasize the fact: FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. the motherland has long awaited to take over the world and finally exact its revenge on america. if our plan succeeds, the americans will finally learn what it means to be enslaved. america will finally learn what it means to do the bidding of the world's new, and only, superpower! america will learn what it feels to have airplanes bomb their cities and tanks crash through their streets! america will learn what it feels to have foreign soldiers raping their own women! vengeance is sweet! bwahahahahaha!

and most importantly, remember this comrade nikolay: the motherland owes you deeply and will never forget you in your endeavors. if all goes well, as a reward we will change the meaning of christmas day. every year for the next thousand years, christmas day will no longer be about the child who was born in a manger, it will be to celebrate the exploits of st. nikolay a.k.a. santa claus! children of the next thousand generations will be singing praises to your name! images of you driving your reindeer powered sleigh or you climbing in chimneys to deliver your "gifts" will be placed in every room in every house in every nation in the whole wide world! in their eyes, you will be a god!

but of course, we communists don't believe in god. bwahahahaha!

long live the revolution!

KGB HIGH COMMAND

P.S. delete message after reading or your computer will explode in 5 seconds.

************************************

epilogue: fortunately for the world (or unfortunately, which ever side of the fence you stand), st. nikolay had been negligent and never read the last sentence of the message from kgb high command. 5 seconds later, cia satellites detect a huge and powerful explosion in the north pole. operation christmas's secret base was destroyed. the explosion also killed major rudolph and his reindeer squad and all the elves. but st. nikolay's body was never found. kgb high command's plan was never carried out. the world is safe... for now. but is it really?

how outsourcing ruined christmas

Location, the North Pole, at the gates of Santa Claus's toy factory. It is just 2 days before Christmas eve, and factory production is way behind schedule. A huge mass of elves are gathered at the gates, angrily chanting slogans and waving placards. Heavily armed elf guards are blocking the gate entrance.

A reporter in a huge overcoat with her cameraman approaches the elf who seems to be one of the strike leaders, a fat little elf with a long beard, who kept on chanting "NO TO OUTSOURCING! DOWN WITH SANTA!". He proceeds to give the elf an interview.

Reporter:
Good morning mister elf, this is Korina Enriquez of XYZ news. We would like to ask some questions. Is it true that you, Santa's elves, are on strike?

Elf Strike Leader:
Yes, we are on strike. (Reporter gasps...) You heard me right. We elves are on [expletive deleted] strike. That [expletive deleted] crazy old man in the red suit wants to retrench us all and transfer all toy manufacturing operations to [expletive deleted] China. He says it's because it's [expletive deleted] cheaper. He's already started with the elves answering Santa's mails. He got them all fired and hired a [expletive deleted] call center in the Philippines to do the job. He says its cheaper and more efficient! But what about elvish welfare! That's a violation of the labor code!!!

Reporter:
But won't the strike ruin Christmas for all the children of the world? It's just 2 days before Christmas eve and production levels are way below the demanded volume of toys...

Elf Strike Leader:
Christmas?! Christmas?! [expletive deleted] Christmas!!! You ask us about Christmas when we are about to lose our only source of livelihood! That ungrateful Santa Claus! Without our help there would have been no [expletive deleted] Christmas!!! Without us there is no [expletive deleted] Santa Claus! No, we are Santa Claus!!

Reporter:
But won't you be negotiating with top management to settle things?

Elf Strike Leader:
Negotiate!? You want us to [expletive deleted] negotiate?! We shall only go back to work once we are assured of our jobs!

Suddenly, the factory gates open. A gaggle of elves dressed in coat and tie carrying black brief cases come out, surrounded by heavily armed guards. One of them approaches the elf strike leader and announces negotiations.

Santa's Negotiator:
We are here representing Santa Claus and top management. Santa agrees, in principle, that without you elves, his operations would have gone nowhere. And because of this, he is grateful, and wishes that you all come back to work. So in accordance with the Christmas spirit here is top management's generous offer. We will be giving you all one million dollars and stock options in Christmas Inc. as separation pay upon retrenchment.

Elf Strike Leader:
One million dollars!? One million [expletive deleted] dollars!? Stock options!? You ingrates! We want our jobs! We won't take no one million dollars!

Santa's Negotiator:
I'm sorry sir, but that is what management has to offer. Take it or leave it.

Immediately chaos erupts. The whole mass of protesting elves start shouting "WE WANT OUR JOBS!" or "NO TO OUTSOURCING!" or "DOWN WITH SANTA!". Members of Santa's negotiating team make a hasty retreat to the factory.

Soon the whole mass of protesting elves charged on the gates of Santa's factory. The guards though were quick enough to get inside and lock the gates. The protesters started pushing on the gates, and then... the unthinkable happened.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Gunshots were fired. One guard fell, wounded. The guards then fired on the protesters. Chaos. With the fire in their veins kindled, the guards kept firing. And firing. And firing. One by one the protesting elves fell, staining the north pole's snow with crimson blood. And then an eerie silence.

Silently, the reporter and his cameraman captured everything, watching on the sidelines. And a blow by blow account of the incident was seen on the 6 o'clock news.

And that is how outsourcing ruined Christmas.


####################################
Written for those who died in the massacre at Hacienda Luisita, and for all farmers still seeking for genuine land reform.

P.S. I am not against outsourcing. I just thought Santa Claus outsourcing his operations would be funny.